Depressive days, dismissive past

It was a difficult time. I was never sure if I was depressed or sad. I knew that something had affected my mind. I could not comprehend it in the initial days. When it progressed, I realized that I am in a web of complexity. Those were the most challenging days which I experienced in life so far.

I was absent-minded. I did not know how to react to some normal circumstances. It was hard to undertake a simple decision. I stared at different things for many hours. I did not listen to classes, conversations, people, or myself. I was mentally and physically tired. 

I believed I would die soon. I got into a terrible state of physical health. I knew that something was seriously going wrong within me. I helplessly observed my close friends trying to figure out what I said by repeating to me what I told them. Some of them asked me the reason for my struggles to which I had no answer. I appeared dumb-faced in front of my good wishers. I had great difficulty when articulating, making some people think that that I am a total waste. Movies, activities, conversations, writings, solitude, and cricket were the major solaces I had in those strange days.

My responses were abrupt, inconclusive, and foolish at times. I could not mingle with people. I wanted to escape from such pressure which meant that I could not enjoy some of the most lively years of my life. My pain increased after one major incident.

My battles were always personal. It was a challenging journey searching for calmness under turmoil. But I realized that I am slowly finding acceptance with my new reality. As I observed myself more and more and more closely, I discovered what I was going through and how I can move over it. Mine was a conflict between two major phases of life. To enter into the second stage, you have to give away some of your prized possessions and embrace some new changes. I challenged it inside out in the mind. As the battle become bloodier, it poured out open in the form of my behavior. My campus was under a lot of turmoil and so was I.

Change to normality

I always believe that my destiny is in my hands and I must have a firm grip over it and not let people and circumstances take away my peace of mind. I did not give up on myself at any point. I observed many of my pitfalls with subtle humor and some of my helpless moments with empathy. I was my own friend gazing at my mistakes without judgment. I battled hard, day in and day out. Challenges came in one after another. I stood there calmly, took each one on its own, by giving me ample time and a happy space no matter what the circumstances were, and kept believing in me. I was always being questioned about my abilities, skills and temperament right from my childhood and adulthood was also about understanding the nuances of these blame games. I accepted the changes and came forward because it was time. 

In those times I was always feeling odd when I heard this word, 'confidence' from any of the people I encounter. But I choose to take a cue from my character and identity and to keep pushing myself despite my limits. Slowly, steadily and surely I too gained what I was missing - confidence. It was not only about believing all your abilities but trusting your true character and believing in your true identity. I stayed true to myself and thought that even if do not make sense to people, even my dear ones, I will take care of myself to a point where I embrace challenges without complaining about them mentally and dealing with it peacefully.

This decision helped me to enjoy my daily struggles as I loosed up a bit to move slow and steadily in life. My seriousness gave way to subtle humor and casual observations. I enjoyed simple things in life and walked away from people, environments, and events that were unsuitable to me. Later, after realizing that I can handle them too, I took them on with a welcoming smile, not out of hatred but out of something else. 

I took care of myself, day in and out and finally it turned out to be a crossed road. I looked back after the phase was completed. It was an enduring and eventful journey. The storm was real and the struggles were personal. But the perseverance was just pure, perplexful, and productive in the end. Thus I withered the storm. Are there more? There must be, without a doubt..