Scattered Thoughts | ചിതറിയ ചിന്തകൾ

മലയാളത്തിൽ എന്തെങ്കിലും കുത്തികുറിച്ചിട്ട് മൂന്ന് വർഷമായി! ബ്ലോഗിന്റെ കാര്യമാണ് പറഞ്ഞത്. ദുൽഖർ സൽമാൻ മലയാളത്തിൽ അവസാനമായി നായകനായ കിംഗ് ഓഫ് കൊത്ത റിലീസ് ചെയ്‌തിട്ടും മൂന്ന് കൊല്ലം കഴിഞ്ഞു.  എന്നാൽ രണ്ട് വ്യത്യാസങ്ങൾ ഉണ്ട്. 1) ദുൽഖറിന്റെ പുതിയ മലയാള സിനിമ അയാം ഗെയിം റിലീസ് ആവാൻ പ്രേക്ഷകർ കാത്തിരിക്കുന്നുണ്ട്. 2). എന്റെ കുറിപ്പ് വായിക്കാൻ രണ്ടാമതൊരാൾ ആഗ്രഹിക്കുന്നുണ്ടാവില്ല. ബ്ലോഗിൽ എഴുതുന്നവ ഇൻസ്റാഗ്രാമിലോ ഫേസ്ബുക്കിലോ വാട്സാപ്പിലോ സ്റ്റാറ്റസ് ആയി ചേർക്കാത്തത് മൂലം അവ ഇറങ്ങുന്നത് ആരും അറിയാറുമില്ല.    2023 മുതൽ 2026 വരെ അഞ്ച് ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് പോസ്റ്റുകൾ എഴുതി. ഇതിന് മുൻപ് കോവിഡ് കാലത്ത് ദിവസം രണ്ട് ബ്ലോഗ്പോസ്റ്റുകൾ ഫോൺ കീപാഡ് ഉപയോഗിച്ച് എഴുതി. അന്ന് ദിവസവും ഡയറി എഴുതിയിരുന്നു. അന്നത്തെ  എന്റെ ഭാഷയ്ക്ക് ശുദ്ധി ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. പിന്നീട്, "വായിൽ തോന്നിയത് കോതയ്ക്ക് പാട്ട്" എന്ന വിധേന എന്റെ ഭാഷ  മലിനപ്പെട്ടെന്ന് എന്റെയുള്ളിലെ വിമർശകൻ പറയുന്നു.   എഴുതാൻ വിഷയം കണ്ടെത്തുന്നത് കുഴപ്പിക്കുന്ന സമസ്യയല്ല. പക്ഷെ, എഴുതി ഫലിപ്പിക്കാൻ കഴിവും ക്ഷമയും വേണം. ഒറ്റയെഴുത്തിൽ ആൾക്കാരെ...

  March 15, 2026. I was walking towards Kanhangad on a hot Sunday evening when I met a smart woman. She was selling fish while sitting confidently at the nearby bus stop. She looked close to 50, was wearing a nice saree, with matching gold jewelry, and a bindi that suited her face. Beside her, there was a cat who resembled Pinki, a street cat that I have been interacting with since 2023. I have this habit of talking to people who are simple by nature. So, I started talking to Aunty as the bus was supposed to reach only by 5:15, and we had 30 minutes left on the clock. We initially started noticing each other when I touched that cat. “Does she have any children?” I asked Aunty. “They all got killed in different accidents,” she replied. Indeed, the number of street cats that die in accidents is a high proportion. One of the street cats that we raised, Pinki, also died in an accident two months ago. I glanced at the cat once again. It had a slightly louder voice than the Pinki I used ...

"I don't feel safe in this country. India is run by a government that favors Hindutva. These people treat us like outsiders. So, I live with fear. Why are you all reluctant to accept our existence?" asked Rameeza. Arun was speechless. He noticed the tears in her eyes, and the sedate tone of her voice was quite evident. Apparently, they did not come out of sadness. They came after her frustration about how the country's rulers treated her and her community. "I am glad the Perinthalmanna blast was by a Hindu. If it were a Muslim, it would have aggravated the backlash against the Muslims." "What did we do wrong? I don't know. Why do some people keep treating every Muslim as a monster? Why is it different when a crime involves a person from another religion? I can't make sense of it. This is nothing but differential treatment," she said. It made Arun stand in silence for a second. "Look at Adolf Hitler. He was always treated as a dicta...

January 11, 2025, 5 am. Rohan rushed to the bathroom to clean up the semen. He ejaculated at midnight, and his track pants were all wet. Inside the bathroom, he revisited his sexual dream.  He stood still for a moment. His eyes had a drop of tears. It came out of the realization that the central character of his dream was his 39-year-old mom Reenu.  “Why the hell,” he asked himself, as he cleaned up his body. He flushed the toilet, but could not flush his mind.  “Ro, you want some chai?,” asked Reenu as she saw him coming out.  “No, ” he responded abruptly, and turned on his laptop. He opened the tabs of Instagram, Netflix and YouTube. His YouTube feed was surrounded with updates such as, “Margaret Robbie topless scene from Wolf of Wall Street”, “How to make her fall for you”, “All we Imagine as Light nude scene,” etc.  After all, he was a 13-year-old teenager, who had no clue about sex. He was too shy to ask his friends about it, and like all young teenagers,...

  “ Go to sleep, Leave while I am still nice to you ,” messaged the 21-year-old brutally honest editor. I obliged her words. I always do when editors instruct me. It is part and primarily because I was an editor for around 3 years. So I know how they think and I feel why they say things. Naturally, it is more of an easy task to say yes and move on. But this time, I didn’t.  I dropped another topic on the think tank. She chased me - “You will die at my hands," she reacted on PM (Personal Message). I responded with a paragraph. What exactly is going on here? Is he nuts? A normal reader might be wondering by now. I need to make it clear! So that the reader gains an insight into the incident. I also want to handover an official apology for the varying first and third-person narrative that would ruin this word of emotions. I logged out from work at 6 pm. But did I? God knows the truth. Because I answered question after question during intermittent hours. I did that because it is ...

Approaching life’s questions happens in different ways. Some are inward queries. An example could be one’s judgment of an incident. When we conclude without giving a slice in a way that people feel they are involved, we are likely to be called out - internally or rather publicly.  Why does it happen? It could be a product of the attitudinal standard set by society. In this prism, vocality is appreciated as a productive virtue, as it helps understand knowledge level and thought processes. But realistically, people have their own biases and preferences, which they turn into their narratives. They set this narrative based on what they can grasp and what they can comprehend - and it could or could not reflect reality. Unfortunately, many people end up inside a space where blame is passed onto their shoulders, for reasons they are uninvolved. They could be dragged unnecessarily for their non-reactive nature - subjected to their weak point. Sometimes, people turn out into a tragic mess, ...

I closed my eyes and touched my slow-beating heart. I was about to write a topic I have a large interest in. Interest is an underwhelming word. It does not carry the care and concern I have for the special topic and that emotion.  If love is an emotion, self-love is the more concrete and nuanced version of that feeling. Loving yourself is a liberating activity that can ignite powerful possibilities for a spectacular life. Many people encounter it when they face rejection or out of disappointment or when they feel unloved. However, countless others practice it out of nothing but a genuine interest and love for themselves.  What drives them to keep their love to their own and not look at others? For me, it came with a feeling that I cannot quite explicitly love anybody or express it in the same genuine way I have an honest love for myself. Because I am wired that way, and I like to keep it clean and tidy. As I am self-centric in love, I can never exhibit or express my love for o...

Shame is a strange emotion. And shamelessness is a sin to many... Why is it so? Because we deem the need to gain validation from others. And we act accordingly. Sometimes, we absolve from activities that excite us. The thinking that goes into a withdrawal act is the innate want to fulfilling the requirements imparted by others, especially loved or respected ones. For instance, family or office.   Two weeks ago, I was sitting at a cozy restaurant. I was with my family. And I was parallelly attending a meeting. Someone cracked a joke during the meeting. Hearing that, I laughed out loud. And Amma looked at me and expressed the obvious, to make little noise, in a lovingly worried tone. At that point, amma's daughter intervened and signaled me to continue what I was doing - laughing! Expression of self without barriers Expressing oneself without inhibition and reservation is the greatest trait of humankind. Why is it so? We all have the most beautiful and original version of oursel...

ഒരു ദിവസത്തിന്റെ ഏറിയ പങ്കും ജോലി ചെയ്യാൻ വേണ്ടിയാണ് വിനിയോഗിക്കുന്നത്. ഇഷ്ടപ്പെടുന്നതും  ഇഷ്ടപ്പെടാത്തതും കഷ്ടപ്പെടുന്നതും അല്ലാത്തതുമായ ആയിരമായിരം പണികൾ ഏവരും ചെയ്യുന്നു. അങ്ങനെ ചെയ്തുവരുന്ന എല്ലാ കാര്യങ്ങൾക്കും കണക്കെടുക്കാൻ  കഴിയില്ല. എന്താണതിന് കാരണം?  കുന്നുകൂടുന്ന പണികൾക്കിടയിൽ എല്ലാമെല്ലാം പിരിച്ചെടുക്കാനോ പ്രാധാന്യമുള്ളതും ഇല്ലാത്തതുമായ  ജോലികൾ ആവിധം നോക്കിക്കണ്ട് തിരിച്ചുനിർത്താനോ സമയവും ആവതും (energy) ഇല്ലാതെ പോവുന്നു. പലപ്പോഴും ജോലികൾക്കിടയിൽ ഞെരുങ്ങി അങ്ങനെയിങ്ങനെ തള്ളിനീക്കുന്നു.   ജോലിയെന്ന് പരത്തി പറയുമ്പോൾ സ്ത്രീയേയും പുരുഷനെയും വ്യത്യസ്തമായി അടയാളപ്പെടുത്തേണ്ടി വരും. മുറ്റം അടിച്ചു വാരൽ, പാത്രം കഴുകൽ, പാചകം ചെയ്യൽ, മുറി വൃത്തിയാക്കൽ എന്നിങ്ങനെ പോവുന്ന വീട്ടുപണികളും ഓഫിസ്പരമായി ചെയ്തു തീർക്കേണ്ട ചുമതലകളും പിന്നെ വേറെയും നൂറായിരം പണികൾ  സ്ത്രീകളുടെ ലിസ്റ്റിൽ ഉൾപ്പെടുന്നു. അവയോരോന്നും ചെയ്യുന്നതിന് മനസ്സ് കൊണ്ട് സമയക്കണക്ക് പണിത് പരാക്രമിച്ചു പണിയെടുക്കുന്നവരുടെ പട്ടികയിൽ ഞാനോ നിങ്ങളോ നമുക്ക് അറിയുന്ന മറ്റുള്ളവരോ ഒക്കെയും ഉൾപ...

I take no shame in admitting that I commit a lot of mistakes and chances are high that I keep committing them again and again about which I can offer an honest apology with a wry smile. I like to stop them but do not know if I can, because I am a flawed being, a slow processor, like many people. Most times, I fall under the utopian trap of a 'fitting farewell' to life events and daily actions for which I have a deep concern for myself - I have a life to live, memories to cherish, and responsibilities to intake. So, I cannot always live on my past, thinking of alternative endings for a perfect conclusion.  My mistakes are the mindful possessions that teach me to stay rooted and grounded. Even though it tortures and terrifies me, it communicates to stay alert. It reminds me to be tactful and learn the basic norms for a trouble-free life. Is there a trouble-free life in a practical world? No, because every trouble is a teacher, a genuine friend, and a stern reminder to...

An alternate ending is a puzzling idea for an individual. They are the imagined inputs we embed into a happened or happening event, in order to sound it presentable, digestible, and healable to our thought and emotions.  Some alternate endings are like sound waves that keep repeating into our ears countless times,  giving varying hues in each moment. These imaginary views are basically the second version of an already-happened event. Interestingly, they most times do not represent actuality because imagination is entirely one's own while the reality is not controllable, but something that just happens as its byproduct. That is the reason why such endings are unreal and their nuances are unrelaxable for many people, which may include us.  I am an alternate thinker. I think countless times about some past events and give alternate conclusions and start imagining them. Sometimes it helped me to equip and evolve myself to new changes while sometimes it brought in an unreal lo...